Haru and Mr Lobster
by 100thAngel
Summary: What do you get when five guys are pit against a talking lobster, a man-eating shark, and a love sick octopus in a grocery store? A hilarious and slightly traumatizing tale of epic proportions, that's what!


**Title:** Haru and Mr. Lobster

**Authors:** 100thAngel and friend

**Rating:** K

**Summary:** What do you get when five guys are pit against a talking lobster, a man-eating shark, and a love sick octopus in a grocery store? A hilarious and slightly traumatizing tale of epic proportions, that's what!

**Warnings:** Ooc-ness, poor writing, talking animals

**Disclaimer:** I make no profit writing this. Free! belongs to its creators.

**Date of publication:** 12/10/14. Finished on 9/20/14 (I just really didn't want to post it...)

**N/A: **

**100thAngel:** Started a Round Robin game with a friend…. Never should have done it. Please don't read this; it's below average in all terms of fic writing.

**Friend:** We definitely beat Sandra Hill with this!

**100thAngel:** Idiot…

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**†Haru and Mr. Lobster†**

Haru wheeled through the aisles in a shopping cart. Makoto, in panic, ran after the cart while Rin casually strolled about the aisles with a motorized cart.

"Look Haru! There's a tank of lobsters by the deli!" Nagisa yelled, running along side the cart Haru was squeezed into. As he ran, they passed by a multitude of angry grannies and old men.

Rei, concerned, muttered, "Um... Maybe we should grocery shop like normal, civilized high schoolers...?"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Rin came zooming towards Rei's direction with his motor cart. Rei jumped out of the way just in time, however he knocked over all the blueberries on sale and Rin crashed the cart into the lobster tank setting all the lobsters free.

"Make us free with a splash! Ya!" the lobsters chanted as they filed out of the grocery store.

Haru stared at the turned over tank in dismay. With zest, he jumped out the cart and kneeled by the broken tank, once filled with his beloved water.

"Haru," Makoto comforted, laying a hand on his shoulder. He could feel his friend shiver from suppressed anger.

"Hey you," Haru heard a high pitched voice call. His head jerked around just enough to see who it was. A lobster returned the look. "I challenge you to a duel," it hissed.

Haru stood slowly, eyes traveling back to the broken tank. "Bring it!" he shouted and spun on his heal. "Let's see who's more free."

The two glared at each other, both daring the other to move first. It only occurred to them after a tense moment later that they didn't know what to do.

"HeEEEeeeyy," Nagisa broke the awkward moment of silence, "Maybe you guys can have a swimming duel? The tanks broken now and Haru-chan would have not fit but... there may be alternatives in here?"

Rei pushed his glasses up, staring at the blond from between his fingers. "Alternatives? You realize that this is a grocery store, correct?"

"Ehhhh~ Then why is there a shark tank by the seafood section?" Nagisa exclaimed and pointed towards the other end of the store.

The lobster and Haru stood still for only a second before sprinting to the tank. Makoto sighed as the group took off after them. He tried desperately to talk some sense into Haru and the lobster but to no avail. His calls actually attracted the attention of the other shoppers instead.

Everyone at the grocery store, young and old, watched as Haru threw his sneakers to the ground as he ran. Once they reached the shark tank, he quickly slipped his sock off and threw his shirt at a little boy who caught it in the face. The crowd roared as he slid his hands into his pants gesturing that he was about to take them off. Pubescent girls swooned and cheered. One man in particular came to the front and helped Haru take off his pants.

While Haru undressed, the lobster climbed to the top of the open tank. It had nothing special to take off like swimmer. Once it was in position to dive, however, the lobster slipped on a speedo.

Haru joined his new rival at the top. The crowd cheered enthusiastically from below. Makoto was still urgently trying to make them change their minds.

It was too late though.

"Freedom!" the two yelled and dove into the water.

As they swam, they realized the water was extremely cold and murky. Haru reached a hand out to clear his view when his fingers touched something discernibly smooth and fatty.

It was the shark.

The monster's beady black eyes glared at Haru and the boy felt a slight chill go down his spine. The lobster glided through the water and greeted the shark. The shark growled back, still watching the human.

"Aye! Chill bro, you don't want to end up boiling red like a cooked crab 'cause of anger management issues, do you?" the lobster snapped. The larger creature ignored the jab.

"What are you doing in here," it bellowed out, its deep baritone causing the human to shiver. Haru tried to say something too but only bubbles came out of his mouth.

Feeling a little jealous of the sea creatures, Haru frowned and carefully glided away. Unable to shake the feeling of danger, he swam close to the bottom of the large tank. He was nearing the turnaround point, the lobster hot on his trail. As he flipped and used his legs to push off the glass, his eyes caught a terrifying sight- Makoto was drowning!

Apparently, he tried to go in to stop Haru but the force Haru gave the tank made him fall into the water unprepared. The lobster and the shark noticed his presence instantly.

"It's a two for one deal! I'm going to have you guys for dinner!" the shark snickered, opening its maw wide. The lobster, too, gave a hearty chuckle and proceeded to launch itself off the glass. As happy as the creature was, it felt something was wrong… very, very wrong. No, he wasn't saddened by the possibility of bloodshed or that he would be swimming through a tank of it but rather, his speedo was slipping off at an alarming rate!

And an octopus just shot itself out of the sandy flooring and was coming right at him!

"I'll save you, Senpai!" A tall, slender figure stood pompously in front of the tank. It was Rei. He shrugged out of his clothes and threw them at Nagisa.

"WHOA! Rei-chan what are you think-" As Nagisa was about to finish his sentence, what happened next astonished him into silence.

Below Rei's casual summer clothes was an extravagant navy speedo with a lavender butterfly pattern glamorously spread across the tight fabric. He flexed, making dramatic poses for the crowd.

The crowd, who were previously watching the shark trying to eat Makoto, turned to him with looks of disgust. Many young women shielded their eyes and some simply left the scene with dissatisfied frowns.

However, there was one creature who looked elated. It hollered and begged Rei to flex more. The octopus, previously about to eat the lobster, made a beeline for Rei when he saw the boy. Yes, the octopus fell deeply in love in that second. "More, more!" it cried, trying desperately to escape its watery prison to capture its love.

"He's mine!" another shout rang out, this time from the onlookers. A burly man with a long white beard step forward with hands on his hips. He took one look at Rei and started stripping. Rei was shocked to see that he was also wearing a speedo, this one red with sliver butterflies.

"Santa?" Nagisa pondered. Within moments, he threw himself at the man. He was easily tossed aside as Santa ran forward and captured Rei in a hug. He glared at the octopus fiercely before sprinting away, abducting the young swimmer.

Rin was very confused. The five had originally come to buy some salt since Makoto's house was out of it. Who would have imagined it would turn into such a disaster.

Nagisa, who pulled himself off the ground after being knocked down by Santa, blinked twice. It was then that he heard a rapid tapping sound. He watched as the octopus gave one final punch and the glass tank shattered. Water gushed out and with it, so did many of its inhabitants. Gaining its bearing quickly, the eight-legged monster "ran" after its love.

"Rei-chan…" Nagisa murmured, "you're not too liked by normal people but…. I guess abnormal things like you." After saying this, Nagisa felt a strong hand slap his shoulder.

"Nagisa!" Rin shouted. "We have no time for the glasses kid, we gotta save Haru and Makoto."

"Ahh! Oh yeah, I forgot. Where's Mr. Lobster?"

"… You gave it a name?"

"Of course!"

"Um… A little help here…"

"Hmm?" The two turned to look a Makoto who was fending off the shark with a handful of mackerel.

"Mako-chan! I thought you were drowning..."

"Where's Haruka?" Rin glanced about the broken tank. While Makoto was being helped by Nagisa to get out of it, Rin saw the shark headed towards Makoto's direction again.

"Makoto, Nagisa, watch out!" Rin yelled.

Makoto stiffened as it grew closer, frozen by fear.

"Haruka Punch!" A powerful blow was delivered to the shark's nose by none other than Haru.

"Yay Haru!" Nagisa cried in excitement.

The crowd followed suit and threw their fists into the air. They shouted happily, fully entertained.

"YAY! Naked Boy!"

"We love you, Naked Boy!"

"Take off your trunks, Naked Boy!" This particular comment came from none other than the man who had helped Haru out of his pants earlier.

The shark swam back to the darker corners of the tank, water still flowing out. He glanced once more at Haru, acknowledged his bravery and whispered, "You go, Naked Boy."

The lobster was floating in the tank dumbfounded. "Wait so what happened to our race?" No one was paying attention to the lobster at this point. Even the group of lobsters who were peering in through a window were chanting Haru's name and eventually started singing _Splash Free_ in acapella.

**~The End~**

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**N/A: **

**100thAngel:** See? I told you not to read it, it makes no sense, and now I would actually like to _apologize_ to the people who made it to the very end. I hope everyone is still alive… (Well not that hopeful)

**Friend:** Make us free na splash~ (Lobster Chanting)

**100thAngel:** Idiot…


End file.
